You have many friends – so why do you feel so lonely?

Do you have lots of friends, but no one you can ask for a hug when you need one? Perhaps you follow your friends' lives on social media while hardly ever meeting them?

If so, you may have a lot of 'catch-up friendships': friendships that live on occasional status updates and provide social contact, but little emotional support.

Social media has given us insight into each other's lives even if we have not spoken for months. As a result, when we finally meet, our conversations often turn into status updates about work, children, and achievements.

"But if these are the only kind of friendships we have, we can easily end up feeling lonely," says Marja Aartsen, a researcher at the NOVA institute at OsloMet.

Three types of loneliness

Researchers often distinguish between three types of loneliness: social, emotional, and existential.

You feel socially lonely if you find that you have too few social relations. This is painful, but Aartsen believes emotional loneliness is often more painful.

"That's when we're missing a partner or close friend with whom we can share our deepest feelings," she says.

If, on the other hand, the loneliness is existential, you feel that you do not belong to the society you live in. Perhaps you once did, but not anymore.

Aartsen believes that 'catch-up friendships' can reduce feelings of social loneliness to some extent, but there is also the risk of increasing loneliness. This is because people tend to showcase their success on social media, not their failures, which gives the impression that everybody else has it better than you. People become relatively deprived, and that creates loneliness too, the researcher explains.

"On top of that, there's a constant process of evaluation through 'likes,' and if someone gets more likes than you, that too reinforces the relative deprivation," she says.

Loneliness is increasing most among young people

When Aartsen and a colleague recently examined trends in loneliness across Europe, they found that overall levels had remained relatively stable over time. The only group to show a notable increase in loneliness over the past ten years was young people aged 15 to 29.

This finding is consistent with other studies that have linked rising loneliness to increased internet use.

"It wasn't that these young people felt lonely all the time. But they scored relatively highly on what we call moderate loneliness, meaning that they feel lonely from time to time," says Aartsen.

Looking across all age groups, 21 per cent of respondents report this kind of moderate loneliness.

Among those under 30, the proportion is more than twice as high, at 55 per cent.

It has increased by nine percentage points over the last ten years, according to chapter fice of the book Loneliness Re-Examined: Societal Influences and Future Research Directions.

"But is it really so serious to feel lonely now and then?"

"No, and according to the American psychologist John Cacioppo, it can even be useful. Just as hunger signals that we need to eat, loneliness can be a signal that we need to maintain social contact. But because people are often reluctant to admit they're lonely, 'now and then' can also mask more serious forms of loneliness," says Aartsen.

Believes weak ties aren't strong enough

As for why loneliness is rising among the youngest, she believes the cause lies precisely in the type of network different age groups have.

Young people often have the largest digital networks, and that can be perfectly fine if you also have a physical network alongside it, according to Aartsen.

"But if the physical network is weak, there's a risk that the ties you do have become too weak. Sometimes you just need a hug. That can mean far more than a thumbs up," she says.

According to Aartsen's study, the deepest form of loneliness – feeling lonely all or most of the time – occurs most frequently among people over the age of 80. But these figures have declined over the past ten years.

"In the book chapter, we ask whether we have a loneliness epidemic, as is sometimes claimed. We conclude that we don't, because the figures don't suggest loneliness overall is increasing in Europe right now. But younger people do appear to be a vulnerable group," the researcher says.

"Just do it!"

If you find yourself missing close friendships, the sociologist has a clear piece of advice:

"Something I learned myself a long time ago is that the only way to make friends is to be a friend to others first. Friends don't come automatically – you have to work for it," she says.

Aartsen encourages people to seek out places where others share their interests. When she herself was young, she joined a drama club and made friends who have stayed in her life ever since.

"I know it can feel intimidating to join a new group. But just do it! You never know where it might lead," she says.

"Could building on a friendship with a 'catch-up friend' be an option?"

"Yes, absolutely. A weak tie can become stronger, and it can also act as a bridge to a new networks. The more weak ties you have, the greater your chances of finding new networks – and new friendships too," she says.

References:

Aartsen et al. Loneliness prevalence in different age groups in Europe. In Aartsen et al. (Eds.) Macro Social Influences on Loneliness in Later Life. International Perspectives on Aging, Springer, 2025. DOI: 10.1007/978-3-031-94565-6-5

Twenge et al. Worldwide increases in adolescent loneliness (Abstract), Journal of Adolescence, 2021. DOI: 10.1016/j.adolescence.2021.06.006

———

Read the Norwegian version of this article on forskning.no

This content is paid for and presented by OsloMet

This content is created by Oslo Metropolitan University's communication staff, who use this platform to communicate science and share results from research with the public. Oslo Metropolitan University is one of more than 80 owners of ScienceNorway.no. Read more here.

More content from OsloMet:

• 

  Researchers now know how many descendants of immigrants leave Norway each year

• 

  Many young people have sex for the first time to “get it over with”

• 

  Ukrainian refugees need jobs. So why aren’t more of them being hired?

• 

  The mural in Oslo City Hall conceals a dramatic story – about the artist’s own life

• 

  Mental health problems are widespread among Ukrainian refugees

• 

  Only 1 in 10 Ukrainians want to return