"A father told his son that he hoped he would choose celibacy, so that they could be reunited in heaven"

In many conservative Christian communities, people are taught about hell from a very young age. 

"It’s a matter of life and death, and it can be difficult to understand unless you’ve been in these communities yourself,” says Maria Bye.

She completed a master’s degree in psychosocial health, specialising in sexology, at the University of Agder. The research from that programme has now been published as an article.

Bye interviewed ten LGBTQ+ people from non-accepting Christian communities in Norway. 

What emerged was how the religious norms the participants had grown up with had left physical scars that lasted for years.

Panic attacks during sex

A great deal of research has been done on coming out as queer. For most, it's a long and difficult process. 

"But what sets these stories apart is the intense fear and shame that have been instilled in these children. The belief that they are sinful has become ingrained in their bodies,” says Professor Tor-Ivar Karlsen.

One of the participants in the study says she gets panic attacks when she has sex with her partner. 

Another says she feels revulsion when her partner gives her a playful pat on the but, even in everyday situations.

“One of the women we spoke to said that she didn’t really believe in God anymore, but when she had sex with her partner, she was still afraid that someone in her family might fall ill or die as a punishment,” says Bye.

God’s love – with strings attached

The participants in the study had grown up in free church communities where their whole lives revolved around the congregation. 

Many attended Christian schools, their friends were from the church, and their family’s religious life was not limited to Sundays.

None of the participants were directly ostracised by their families, but acceptance came with reservations. Several were told that God loves them, followed by a big ‘but.’

“A father told his son that he hoped he would choose celibacy, so that they could be reunited in heaven,” says Bye.

Prayed to God for forgiveness every night for many years

“In practice, they weren’t ostracised, but many felt they couldn’t be themselves. They couldn’t talk about a same-sex partner. One said he had to sleep in a separate room when he came home with his boyfriend, because his parents didn’t want sin in the house,” says Bye.

Most participants believed they would go to hell if they lived out their sexuality. Several asked God for forgiveness every evening for many years.

Some of the participants eventually broke ties with their families because it became impossible to stay there when there was no room for their queer side.

“Several said it reached the point where they either had to take their own lives or live openly as queer people. They had tried everything they could, but there was no other choice,” says Bye.

The body remembers

The researchers use the term ‘embodied trauma’ to explain how shame and fear were stored as physical reactions in the participants.

“Trauma research shows that experiences become embedded in the body. The body often speaks more truthfully than our minds do,” says Bye.

Karlsen emphasises that this is a well-known phenomenon in psychology.

“The embodiment of old traumas is well documented. What's unique here is the combination of minority stress with a fear of hell and isolation from friends and family. These factors reinforce one another,” he says.

The healthcare sector lacks expertise

Some of the participants also described the opposite: after accepting themselves, they felt freer. But for most, the road there was long.

“Several of those we spoke to said they felt that God was cheering them on when they first came out. The church did not welcome them very warmly, but they felt that God was with them,” says Bye.

The researchers believe the study is important for anyone working with LGBTQ+ people who come from such non-accepting religious backgrounds. This could be healthcare workers, counsellors, or social workers.

Karlsen points out that the healthcare sector often lacks expertise in spiritual matters.

“It’s bad enough, talking about sexuality in the healthcare sector, but we certainly aren’t good at dealing with spiritual issues. We must dare to explore the role religion has played in people’s lives,” he says.

Researchers have a message for conservative Christians

Karlsen believes the study also has a message for conservative Christian communities.

“Those responsible for children and young people in these communities should know that the consequences of not having an open attitude towards different sexual orientations can be extremely damaging. You can inflict trauma on children and young people that affects them for the rest of their lives,” he says.

Bye agrees, but provides nuance:

“These are two worlds that cannot meet. For many of these parents, the best thing for their children will always be for them to follow everything in the Bible to the letter, so that they can go to heaven together. It's a dispute for which I believe it's difficult to find a good solution,” she says.

Reference: 

Bye et al. "Do You Really Want to Give Up an Eternity in Heaven for a Moment of Carnal Desire?"—Queer Norwegians’ Experiences of Nonaccepting Religious Environments, Sexuality & Culture, 2026. DOI: 10.1007/s12119-026-10554-1

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